Chronic Illness

Where is Waldo?

… And what do you do when you find him?

You say you have found him and move on. Find him again and move on. Does he have friends? Does he have family? I have so many questions about Waldo.

A grin, a genuinely happy grin on his face. Big, round glasses to see the world that he travels and the people he meets. Alone. He travels alone. Fully clothed, head to foot. I have to assume it is to match the cat in the hat, although they have not met.

B74C04D8-7023-4215-AF97-0149CCC839F6There he is again. Once he find him, you get a proud smile with relief on your face. You found him. He is there. Somewhere. You aren’t always 100% sure he will be there in the crowd. It could be a ruse. Then, his wide eyes pop out at you! That friendly face reassures. That dependable guy.

His smile makes me wonder exactly where he has been. What he has seen. Who he has seen. Does he plan where he is to go? Where to be? Or, does he wander?

When I think he is hiding, it turns out he just likes crowds. Waldo doesn’t have a companion, but he is never alone.

We are never alone.

Life, it’s chronic.

Thanks for reading!

 

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Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Lifestyle

Go to the Bathroom

The bathroom is the room everyone goes to for relief. Sometimes to fill the quiet acoustics of the room with thought, songs or even cries. It is a place where, unless you have children or pets or a significant other, you can have some privacy as well as perspective.

E95C8F62-4CB0-488E-8ADE-A31BD5CF2602.jpegIf the klutz in me wouldn’t inevitably fumble the laptop into the water, I would have so many posts done by now. The bathroom is where inspiration hits most often and where the mind wanders toward relaxation and clarity, which is also why I don’t write posts when the inspiration hits. I don’t want to stain my free-flowing, relaxing stream of consciousness and turn it into an accomplishment. That would rob the healing that simultaneously accompanies the bathroom’s role of enlightenment.

The past couple of times that I took a nighttime bath, I had such relaxation and clarity. I was in my own little, quiet space, my own world if you will. So many wonderful blog posts came to mind! Not just blog ideas, but whole posts spilled out! Then I got out of the tub and forgot them all. Disappointed, I felt that I will never be able to write another decent post. Ugh. My mission for Life is Chronic is to relate chronic illness problems with problems not specific to people of the chronic illness lifestyle.

But, damn, who wants to spend t7A9CA1B4-C84E-4DA1-8A33-EC1A4763DFDC.jpegheir lives defining their lives by concentrating so much on their limitations, illness or not. I feel like the first half of my day is being spent just getting to the point where I can be functional. I beat myself up for being at the mercy of my own body.  I mean that I seriously dwell in blaming myself for not being able to put mind over matter and just make myself well. I know, it sounds stupid. It is stupid.

After the immediate and initial visit of day to the bathroom is relieved, I must convince my ego that I am a contributing member of society. So, I do the dishes. Then, I wonder… what other chore can I do before eating breakfast? Breakfast is a reward for proving that I am still useful. The bath following breakfast that helps the stiffness shut up a little is often an essential part of my day. My bath is my place to start my day all over again, the place to acknowledge that I am being respectful of my body, respectful of my life. I have life to give. I have life to live. The soak in the bathroom has hopefully prepped my body’s stiffness for yoga. The stiffness and pain meet yoga, giving respect to the day and, give in to the world a better chance to know the me I intend to be.

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Upon reflection: We all may benefit from using the bathroom more often.

Life, it’s chronic. Thanks for reading!

Wendy

Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain

New Day, Everyday

New Day

New Year

Still Spooning

Still in Love with Life

Stop Searching for a Cure

Start Searching for Acceptance

Give Yourself a Renewed Eye for Seeing the Awe of it all.

Get Peace from the World by Removing Expectations.

Have a New Year Full of Gratitude, Peace, Kindness, Patience and Love!

Life, It’s Chronic.

 

Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, ME

Denial is the same as a lie.

Truth bomb!: I have been living a lie.

I have been in denial that I am as sick as I am. I am probably as well as I am ever going to get. I have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis.

I have been trying to place all of the blame on fibromyalgia pain, because people can understand pain. Well, maybe fibromyalgia pain looks like a hoax to people because they see no injuries, but at least pain makes more sense to people than Chronic Fatigue Syndrome aka Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. People say, “Oh, yeah I am fatigued too…” Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is such a misnomer. It should be called Chronic Crash Syndrome. My body just is not going to recover from whatever virus or whatever is was that hijacked my nervous system and immune system. There are days I feel less sick, there are times I use all of the energy I can muster just to act, function and socialize like ‘normal ‘ people. I act fine. I enjoy acting fine, because I get to feel alive, included, normal. It takes everything out of me and I go back home and try to rest. A day or two goes by and then my body crashes. It is like trying to function with a never-ending flu. You’re worn out, weak, can’t eat. You have to crawl around because it is too strenuous to walk. How do I explain to someone a sickness when I don’t ‘look sick’? 

I have tried to dismiss ME/CFS for years- blaming myself for not being able to recover from physical or mental exertion. After cancer treatment, I attended a Livestrong program at the YMCA, designed to help recondition and strengthen our bodies. I slowly progressed every Tuesday and Thursday for an hour. I did gain strength. I did gain endurance. I did that and crashed the rest of the time, the rest of the days. Several months after the two month program, I am still paying the price. It turns out I am sicker, not stronger than before. I now sleep more hours than I am awake. Grocery shopping and running errands for a day will wipe me out for two days.

Damn. Trying to get stronger has made me weaker. Duh! You wouldn’t tell someone who is down with the flu to exercise more so they can have more energy and get out if bed! Yet… rest doesn’t make my sickness ever go away.

People with CFS/ME can drop heart and lung function after 15 min day one test because WE DON’T make energy right and can’t recover overnight. Who CAN recover overnight and do same on 2nd day as first day? – people with heart disease, lung disease, cancer, MS and almost anything else. But not us.

I really wanted to write a blog about life, without making my sicknesses the only subject. There is so much more in life. I know my sickness is my permanent lifestyle. It has taken me almost 15 years to come to grips with that fact. I am done blaming myself for my days being an uphill battle. If anyone could have won this war, I think it could have been me. I give up. I surrender. No more fighting. You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit? I don’t have the energy to throw a fit.

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Life, it’s chronic.

Thank you for reading!

Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, ME

Chronically Ill People Do Not Blog

I am beating myself up for ever thinking that I could be consistent with blogging!

It is hard to express myself when I am so tired all of the time. It is hard to advocate for myself and others. I want so much to help people. I have friends, but I am not a very good one. I don’t have the energy. I have the love. The ME/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome has been very persistent the past months. Not just dragging myself around, but sleeping no less than 12 hours per day. Laying around most the rest of the day. Fibromyalgia is flaring up. The migraines are under control, though.

I cry. I do. I want to be more for other people. I want to do more. My husband is the sweetest, most patient human being. He says that I am not the best human-doing anymore, but I am a wonderful human-being.

Chronic Illness

You Get My Best

person wearing black low top sneakers and black jeans
Photo by Nicholas Githiri on Pexels.com

If you see me on the street, you get my best smile, my best hello.

If you ask me how I am, you get ‘I’m good’.

When I am good, you won’t pity me or avoid me.

I want you to know the truth.

I want to spend time with you, but I take naps everyday.

I want to have fun, but I have to function tomorrow.

I want to make plans, but I just can’t.

If you see me out and about, be assured that it is a good day.

If you see me out and about, you are getting the best of me.

Life, it’s chronic.